Healing with Acupuncture and Psychedelics with Karen Ortiz (Part 1)

Right? So we're talking about, it's not good for your health. We're talking about it doesn't work.

People don't listen. People won't change. Won't address your needs because you're angry for a reason.

It's not like you're a bad person. You are angry for a reason, but yelling and screaming or criticizing is not going to cause behavioral change, which is what you really want. Three, it ruins your connections and you're going to live longer and be a lot happier with healthy connections.

Four, it doesn't foster your identity and who you want to be. And most importantly, who is watching your children who are afraid of you or who won't open up to you. They're learning from you how to react and how to react to anger the same way.

They're learning how to communicate from you. And you understanding how to get curious versus furious is going to really help them handle their anger when they feel it. Reason number five and even more exciting is that I want you to understand what happens to you when you get angry.

I welcome to another episode of the healing bot gas. This is the place where you learn and get inspired to heal in to achieve higher levels of satisfaction in every area of your life. I am Karen, milling your host and I believe that what we resist her sis and that we cannot change what we don't face.

And it was finally when I accepted this reality and invested time, energies and money into myself, in professional support, that my life was completely transformed. And now I'm on a mission to demystify this process for you to inspire you to do this work yourself. Hi, today I am super excited to do a solo episode.

It's been a while to talk about the importance of getting curious and not furious. Yes, we are going to talk about anger and why anger is a positive thing. Yes.

And we are going to talk about when and where we learned how to erupt or repress. We are going to talk a lot about the why Simon Sinek always talks about in business. We need a why we need to really understand that the core of ourselves.

Why we want to learn this why we want to do things differently. We are going to understand what I mean by getting curious. There's many layers of getting curious and he's a crucial long term strategy to embracing our anger and learning from it.

And then we're going to talk about coping mechanisms and why at the end of the game, we require change, either change from ourselves or change from others. If you enjoy this episode and you find it helpful as much as all my clients do and I know I did, please share it with us many friends and family and coworkers and subscribe. And please give me a rating to truly help me on my mission of inspiring as many people as possible.

To do this type of work and healing to achieve higher levels of satisfaction with their health, their relationships and in every single level of their lives. So anger is a positive thing. Anger gets a really bad rap where most of us, and that was my case, we were so afraid of being seen angry or being associated with anger that we learn how to repress it.

You know, I'm both expressing and erupting and yelling or repressing it is harmful for us. But anger is actually a good thing. Anger is universal.

Anger is something that we feel that all animals, all humans feel is something that's been part of our life. You know, we feel angry when we're babies, when we don't get fed on time or toy falls or someone takes something away from us, it's angering. You know, it means that we are alive.

It means that we care. It's a good thing to be angry. We care.

We care about ourselves. We care about our principles or values. It's saying that our our boundaries are being violated and that we're not okay with that.

You know, anger keeps us safe. Anger is an alarm system in our bodies, in our nervous system to help us survive. You know, if someone was attacking our family or someone heard our children, it actually activated our nervous system to act in ways that could save our lives or those that we love.

As I mentioned, you know, anger shows that we care. Anger shows that we're passionate. Anger can mobilize protests.

You know, activate and lead people into change. It allows us to sometimes find our life purpose. I have a lot of clients who are professionals and wanted to have a career change.

And or want a passion project or are retiring and want to find out what boards and what are the things they want to do or they want to legacy work. Or they want more meaning in their life. I asked them as a coach, what makes you angry?

What keeps you up at night? Like, what are the things that you really care about? So anger is a good thing.

I want you to embrace it, to feel grateful, to have it, to experience it, is one of our human emotions. It means that we're alive. It's healthy.

It is what we do with that anger. It's how we show it, whether we show it or we don't show it. That is unhealthy for us.

So, why do, you know, where do we learn to erupt or repress? Where do we learn this unhealthy ways of dealing with our anger? And the answer is our childhood.

It's not being taught or role-modeled emotional intelligence. And this is not to blame anyone. I'm a parent of three.

We try the best we can. God knows we don't go to university to become parents and get lessons. An emotional regulation or how to communicate.

God knows 40 to 50 years ago. Our parents did not have podcasts or YouTube or social media or even books to teach them the stuff. So, this is not about blaming.

It's about understanding. I love to talk about not blaming, not even forgiving, just understand. Understand why we do the things we do.

But, as animals has mentioned, we are born with emotions. They're normal and healthy. And when our caregivers, our parents, our older siblings, tell us to ignore them, to not express them.

When we're little and we come home and we cry and they say, "Don't cry, don't feel that way. No, no, don't feel that way. That's not what happened."

Or, "Don't be sad." Or, "Don't feel angry. Don't yell."

Or, "God forbid, we yell and show our emotions." And we get hit. I mean, is that we are from the generation of, "If you cry, I'll give you something to cry about."

And so, a lot of us got punished or hit or we learned that it's not okay to feel angry. It's not okay to express. We were not taught how to respectfully and nicely express why we're sad and why we're angry.

We were taught either, "Don't get angry. Don't yell. Don't scream.

Don't express. Named down. Repress it.

Dissociate it. Forget about it. And that's what costs a lot of our negative programming on how to deal with the anger, which then becomes passive aggressiveness or unhappiness or criticism or judgment because we're not yelling and screaming.

But it comes out in other very unhelpful ways. Or we, the opposite, we grew up and were role model to scream and shout and hurt other people's feelings and say whatever we wanted. And it was allowed and it was encouraged.

And that's where we learned it. And there was no consequences for our actions. And honestly, that was the 1970s and 1980s and 90s where some of that behavior was allowed.

But as we all know, we are in an environment that has required a lot of change and that is no longer appropriate or accepted or even helpful. So I want to talk about the why. As I mentioned, Simon Sinek is a very popular leader and talks about everything in life.

We need to understand why. Why are we doing this? Why should we change?

Why should we listen to this podcast and learn? It is how leaders inspire change and action. So why should we get curious and not furious?

You know, I want you to think. And if I was coaching you right now, I would think about the last two times that you lost it. You lost it with your children, with your coworkers, with your nurses, with your staff.

How did you feel physically? Was your heart racing? How did you feel after?

What were the consequences? Did it change the behavior of the people around you long-term? How did it serve you?

So one of the first whys, we're going to talk about five whys. Why is important to get curious and not furious? One of the first whys is that it actually physically hurts you.

It is not anger. Anger doesn't hurt you. You can get as angry as you want.

It is both the outburst and the eruptions and the screaming and the punching a wall or the repression that causes long-term physical damage to you emotionally, to you physically and emotionally and it of course as you know damages relationships around you. There has been many studies and I know you're all very highly intellectual and Google it. There is a very strong correlation between getting angry and having explosive attacks and the weakening of your immune system.

Yeldita study on this that found that outburst as well as repression increases the risk of cardiovascular health by 9% and it also weakens your immune system. Anger repression has been also associated with a lot of chronic diseases. Gabor Mate wrote a book about the myth of normal that is associating all this passive aggressiveness and codependency and really afraid of showing anger or being confrontational with a ton of chronic diseases.

It's not healthy for you. It's not healthy to repress it. Second why is that in the case of outbursts and yelling and insulting physical aggression, they don't serve you.

It hurts your identity. It hurts who you want to be seen as. It hurts your reputation.

It hurts your career prospects. It hurts how people view you. Your coworkers, the people around you, your family, a huge part of the work we do as a coach is.

Who what's your identity? Who do you want to be seen as? One of the first things we do when you're working with a certified coach is think about the day you're dying and what do you want people to say about you?

Were you warm? Were you trustworthy? Were did they like being around you?

Or was everybody walking around in excels and afraid of you? What do you want to be? Doesn't serve you.

The other why is that it really doesn't work. When we yell, when we scream, when we insult someone, or when we are passive aggressive because we repress it and we criticize someone here, the local decided to show up. Or we say comments or talk to people behind our back because we don't deal with things directly, especially when you yell and scream, you shock someone.

Their nervous system becomes activated and they jump into survival mode. Right? They have a survival response of fight, flight, or fun.

And it is proven that once you're in this frontal lobe, you are so emotionally charged that you cannot listen. You cannot listen. You cannot absorb.

You cannot understand what you're saying. It is only damaging. And it's only affecting the person receiving the aggression or the insult or the criticism that they can even understand why you're mad, what they did wrong.

And even if they know they did something wrong, their nervous system is so activated that they cannot change. They can hear you. They only become either fight back and they're in a defensive mode and actually either yell back or fight back or they fun.

Meaning they in this the cause of depression, they're not there. They're not listening. It's a very normal and actually the most normal response, especially with women.

We just like it's not happening with associate or we fight. We leave. So it's not it's not going to work.

It doesn't work. It doesn't make your point of being heard and seen and expressing what is it that is upsetting you. And if you want to learn more about this response, episode 96 of The Healing Podcast with Dr.

Kim DeRae, explain exactly what happens when you yell at someone and what happens to their nervous system and how they can hear from it. As I mentioned, it's not productive or helpful in getting what you want, in solving your problem, in listening to you, in addressing the need you have so that it doesn't happen again. It doesn't allow you to get what you want.

And if it does because you're a parent figure or you're the boss, they're doing it because they're afraid of you because they fear you, not because they understand why it's important for them to do it. Why they shouldn't do it again. It's a behavior that if you're not around, they're going to do it anyway.

And someone that, you know, it's not, they're not learning the lesson. What's the third why? The third why, and it's something that's even more important to me, is that it affects the relationships that you have with people.

When you yell at people, when you scream, when you have an aggressive outburst, when you insult them, when you say really hurtful things, it kills something, it kills something called emotional safety. So whether it's your spouse, your children, your coworker, your, your, your residents, your nurses, anyone you work around, it kills their ability to see you as an emotionally safe person that they can talk to, that they can give feedback to, that they can be honest with, that they could be friends with, that they can trust, and it's heartbreaking when this happens with your children, and it happens a lot. So connections matter, friendships matter, the longest study ever ran by Harvard on what makes people live longer, prove that it is the quality of the connections that make the quality of the quality of connections that we have in our relationships, that keeps us living longer and happier period, that help, that having strong connections with your spouse is not being married, and actually the, the, the, the study showed that, that you can be very lonely in a marriage.

It is the emotional safety, is the quality of the relationship that you have, that will help you delay mental and physical health decline, and it's even more important than obesity and smoking. The study was ran and it's currently being managed by Ted Waldinger, just Google the Ted Talk, Harvard study Ted Waldinger, and it's fascinating, he talks about the importance of connections, they ran a study for over 70 years, and they looked at men with very different socioeconomic backgrounds, wealth, race, and they found that it was the quality of connections that make you live longer. So if you're someone with outbursts, if you've ever been accused of having angry shoes or yelling or screaming, all the relationships around you are affected, your spouse is scared of you, your children are scared of you, your coworkers, everyone, you works around you, and they can be nice and live or stay with you because it's marriage and they want to just stick it around, but it's not a quality connected, safe relationship.

This happens a lot with children, where you can be present, where you can be there, you can take them out for dinner, but will they open up to you? Will they tell you what they really think, or they really tell you what they're going through? No, because they don't feel emotionally safe, either you're going to criticize them, or you're going to judge them, which is what happens when you repress your anger and you don't express it respectfully, or you're going to attack them, and actually yell at them, both not fostering an emotionally safe environment for friendships, for connections.

And it's not healthy. If you Google as well the work of Dr. John Gottman, who is an expert who looked at tens of thousands of relationships, he has predicted within 20 seconds who's going to divorce and who's going to break up or who's going to leave their job because it's the same as in some relationships, and it's all based on judgment and criticism.

So if you're judging and criticizing someone or you know, it just doesn't work. Okay? So this is why there's 70% divorce rate and there's so much unhappiness out there because we need to provide others with emotional safety, to express their emotions, to not yell, to not criticize, to not judge.

So I hope this wise are really exciting for you to keep listening. Why number four is, as we mentioned, who do you want to be? What's your identity?

Right? Who's watching? Right?

So we're talking about it's not good for your health. We're talking about it doesn't work. People don't listen.

People won't change. Won't address your needs because you're angry for a reason. It's not like you're a bad person.

You are angry for a reason, but yelling and screaming or criticizing is not going to cause behavioral change, which is what you really want. Three, it ruins your connections and you're going to live longer and be a lot happier with healthy connections. Four, it doesn't foster your identity and who you want to be and most importantly, who is watching?

Right? Your children, your children who are afraid of you or who won't open up to you, they're learning from you how to react and how to react to anger the same way. They're learning how to communicate from you and you understanding how to get curious versus furious is going to really help them handle their anger when they feel it.

Reason number five and even more exciting is that I want you to understand what happens to you when you get angry. Okay? When you get angry is because we'll talk about why you get angry, but when you get angry, it means that you are also your nervous system is also activated.

You're also in your amygdala, in your frontal lobe angry because someone violated your principle, someone hurt you, someone did something you didn't like and you're acting like a caveman and you're in anger, in your nervous system, you're in fight mode. And when you're operating in this level, you can't think, you can't think, you totally deactivate your ability to think, to be smart, to talk about risk assessment, to wait the risk assessment of what you're going to say or what you're going to do. You lose your ability to understand and think about the consequences and you make decisions and you say things that hurt people that cause your promotion, that gets you fired, that gets your wife unhappy and leaving you.

So you are all everyone I work with, most our physicians, lawyers, doctors, were all very smart people who do not want to be associated with being stupid, but that's what happens. I want you to understand that when you allow yourself to get angry and you don't have the ability to control it, you are in a primal response, you were triggered and you are acting in that in that mode. So what happens when you're in that mode?

Not only you lose your ability to think about consequences and to weigh your options and understand this is the right thing to say, should I say this, not say this, what what's I going to do? You because you're in that primal response, you really go into either I'm going to save myself or I'm going to destroy and fight and you see people as objects. You see things at extremes, they're either assholes that are out there to get you and hurt you or they're not around.

You see people as black and white, you see people as evil and you lose your ability to see them as humans, right? You lose your bias. I listen to a tech talk by Daniel Goldman who talks about this and how you know are when we're angry, just want to destroy them, you want to get rid of them, you want them fired, you want them out of your face and you forget that they're human too.

Humans full of needs, weaknesses, feelings and problems. Someone showed up bleeding your O. R.

or someone showed up late to your meeting and you're like you're so triggered and you're so insulted that you forget maybe their mommy's dying, maybe their kid had a huge issue. And so you do not want to be seen and I want you to learn how to get curious so that you don't get there because you don't want to be associated with that. So what makes us angry?

And why do we get angry? We talked about the why we should get curious and why we don't want to allow us to deal with anger in unhealthy ways. Why do we want to get why do we get angry?

Angry. There's been a lot of researchers, there's a lot of angry researchers. One of them is Ryan Martin who shared that Dr.

Jerry Defenbaker, you know, surveyed a lot of people and said what makes you angry? And most people say, well, someone provoked me. You know, I was provoked.

Someone made me mad. You know, if they stopped messing with me, I wouldn't get mad. Blaming their anger to external factors.

And while that is what people think initially is a massive misconception. You know, provocations don't get us mad all the time. You know, someone showing up late on a day that you didn't sleep well or you're angry or depending on the circumstances, it's not going to get you as angry as angry as angry as as as another time where perhaps you or needs were not mad.

What makes you angry will not make me angry. So there, you know, you cannot blame other people's behavior on your anger and how you deal with it. Of course, they will make you angry.

And again, we talked about it's okay for people to make you angry. It's okay that you felt angry because you felt someone provoked. It's what is what is how you deal with it.

So and another thing is we can give people that much power, right? So the long term solution to getting to dealing with our anger in healthier ways is getting curious is understanding what's going on. It's investing the time either on your own with or up with a professional certified coach or a therapist to understand.

Now we're going to talk about why it's important to get curious and what are all the things that may be happening. So let's start with my slow hierarchy of needs, basic needs. Get curious about your core needs.

Okay, this is even people as elevated as I am with so much work and so much awareness. We all have basic needs. You know, we have the needs for food, the needs for nourishment, the needs, you know, the needs for sleep.

Getting angry is a real thing. I get angry. I could be extremely aware of my triggers and my emotions and I have a ton of training and 20 years of emotional regulation.

But if I am starving and then my kids trigger me or my husband triggers me, I am going to snap. It is it's the thing. So sleep is crucial.

Please read the sleep revolution or just google sleep on YouTube or a podcast and you're going to get a myriad of amazing podcasts on all the research behind the importance of sleep. The years of thinking that you're going to sleep when you die are long gone. Okay, those were those that was in the 60s and 70s where life expectancy was 50 and 60.

It is crucial that we sleep. It is crucial to understand when we're hungry, when we're tired. And why is it crucial so that we take care of our needs so that we know that if we're going to go work and we're going to be with a lot of people or for me, like if I'm going to pick my kids from school and I'm hungry and tired, the probabilities of me snapping is going to be a lot higher.

So feed yourself. Take care of yourself or by having that awareness tell everyone around you. Guys, please know I'm I'm hungry right now.

I need to eat if I snap is because I'm a little hungry or I didn't sleep last night. I worked all night. Please proceed with caution.

Don't take anything seriously. I am I didn't sleep. I'm tired.

So those are the basic needs. Let's go up the hierarchy a little bit and we also have core needs for mastery and competency for really genuinely feeling that we're good at something for without depending on achievement or validation. We have a need to understand what brings us meaning, what brings us purpose, what brings us joy, what brings us transcendence.

You know, it's we have we have those needs, you know, and so if we are walking around the world, hating our jobs and not feeling that we're doing enough of the things that bring us joy that we're not learning enough that we're not giving enough. It's important to be aware of those and these are things that you would work with a coach primarily, not in therapy. It's taking the time to be curious about who you are, what are all your needs, what do you want to do, who do you want to be when you grow up.

We also have needs to be considered to be prioritized, to be heard, to be seen. And so if you're snapping at your children, if you're snapping at your wife, if you're snapping at your spouse, your colleagues, take the time to understand your needs, your physical needs, your basic needs, and also your intellectual needs, your needs for doing the things that bring you joy. So that's number one.

And part of allowing this needs is being mindful. You know, mindfulness, a lot of people think, oh, no, well, I have to meditate. I don't have time.

It's not just being aware. It's taking the time to be like, how am I feeling? How is my body feeling?

How am I, am I angry? Am I sad? Am I frustrated?

Am I bored? Do I need more in my life? And to learn more about how being mindful, please listen to episode 91 and 92 on the importance of mindfulness is amazing.

And it's a practice. It takes practice. And you know, one of the core things about controlling how we feel is being mindful about our emotions and our needs.

Part of the things that I do with coaching too is getting curious about your principles and values. One of the first things that we do when you're working with me in our first session, I sent you a list of 100 principles and values. And I asked you to pick the top 10.

What's really important to you? What has been driving you till now? What makes you wake up in the morning?

And that could be timeliness, organization, family. And it's important to be aware of those. A lot of the times when someone is showing up late or getting us angry is their violating our principles.

We have no respect for that. And knowing that allows us again, like I said, with hunger and sleep or being bored and having nothing that brings you joy is understanding it so that you can lovingly and respectfully express it to your superiors, your spouses, anybody who's making you angry. And I said, you know what?

Timeliness is really important for me and it's something that really upsets me when you show up late. Okay. Now we're getting into some of the media things.

Another thing, another thing we need to be curious about when we're angry is our thoughts. We get stuck in anger. First, we get angry, but more so we get stuck in anger and an anger hamster will when we create a story about what happened.

Right? It's not what happened. It's not our Bosnian give us a race, our Bosnian pay us, our, our, you know, our staff showed up late to the OR or to the meeting or our friend showed up half an hour late.

That's, that's a fact. No one can deny it. Everybody saw it.

It is what we think about what happened. It's the story we make about what happened that affects our emotions. That's what gets us angry and it's our emotions that lead to our action and it's the actions that we take and how we deal with that anger that creates the results in our lives.

So one of the key things and I was training cognitive behavioral therapy and this is a cognitive behavioral approach that is a evidence based approach created in the 1960s by Aaron Beck and you can do all the research you want is 70% effective. Is this understanding that it is the story we make about what happened and is the thoughts we have about a situation that get us angry? Okay.

So this is when you have been fed and you slept well and you're aware of your principles and still less work on the notion of someone showing up late. Whether it's your children and your spouse, your coworker, your resident. When you think when they show up late and your thought is they are more un or they are a mess or they're disorganized or they don't give a shit and that's what you think.

That is what's going to make you angry and frustrated and then what are you going to do when you are thinking? They don't give a shit about me. They don't respect me.

What are the thoughts? You think about the last time someone showed up late in your hour or to a meeting. If you're thinking they don't care about me, they don't respect me, they don't prioritize me, they don't, they're a mess, they're disorganized.

Of course you're going to get angry and either you're going to yell at them and you're going to belittle them and shame them in front of everyone else or you're going to repress it and be passive aggressive and say, "Hey, look who decided to show up" or insult them through the whole procedure or the whole meeting or what's going to happen. They are going to not be happy about it and they're going to raise their eyes. They're not going to respect you.

They're not going to listen to what they're saying. They're not going to pass you the right instruments. They're going to delay the procedure.

They're going to make your life difficult in part because we discussed they're in a fun response and they're not there. They're so stressed out and so upset that you yelled at them or that you insulted them in front of everyone. That you're so insensitive that you don't understand what they are going through and maybe their kid was sick or maybe something terrible happened.

It's not good. Usually when you act on your thoughts, they will make you do something that doesn't propel positive behavior which then confirms your original thought that they don't care about you, that they don't respect you, that they don't prioritize you or that they're disorganized. The cycle continues and the hamster will happen.

You could be in an organization for five years and hate someone and disrespect someone and he's the cycle. When you work with a CBT cognitive behavioral therapist or coach, you are looking at every single thought you have about a situation. You're going to look at your anger and understand what are all your thoughts and you're going to challenge them.

How true is it? How true is it that they're an idiot? How true is it that they're disorganized?

How true is it that they don't prioritize you and they don't give a shit about you? Oh, well, last meeting they did do this. The last case they were excellent.

Last, what else could be true? Oh, well, I know their mom is dying or I know that their kid has autism and they have a terrible time getting out in the morning. Oh, I know this and that.

And you understand that people are human and you have more compassion for them. So one of the biggest outputs of doing this work and understanding what else is happening in people's lives. Why did they hurt you?

Why did they show up laid? Why did they say that? It's having compassion and it's also understanding going back to what what are your needs?

What do you need so that instead of allowing yourself to get angry and yell at them or be passive aggressive, you can look at what do you need, right? And we're going to talk about copy mechanisms so that you control your emotions, but you can go back to them at a different time after the surgery, after the meeting, after the yell, after what happened and be like, when you don't show up on time, I feel unprioritized, I feel this respected. This is my thing.

Can you please try to show up on time? I can guarantee you that you will see a massive improvement on that time versus yelling at them or being passive aggressive. So understanding your thoughts about every situation that happens to you, everything that upsets you is crucial for your management of your emotions.

What else do we need to get curious about your triggers and your childhood trauma? When you have gone through getting curious about your needs and you ate and you slept and you're doing things that bring you joy and your mastery and you're living your life purpose and you're doing legacy work. And then someone upset you because they show up late and you looked at your thoughts and you're like, okay, what else could be true and oh, okay, compassion and let me be nice and let me express my needs respectfully.

And this person shows up late again or someone else and you still get angry. You still upset, you still want to scream and tell them their idiots and disrespectful and blah, blah, blah. It is because you had childhood trauma with something related to that.

That means that unfortunately when you were young, your parents, your nanny, your coach, someone was late in your life a lot. They were late to pick you up from school, late to pick you up from activities, they were late to take you places and it hurts. It made you feel unprioritized.

It made you feel unconsidered. It made you feel unworthy and those are really difficult emotions that we have. And I had them.

I had overworkaholic parents and they rarely showed up anywhere and they worked a lot right in front of me so whenever someone is beside me and they're on their phone typing, especially my husband, I feel immediately. I feel I'm not prioritized. I'm not worthy enough and it makes us sad.

But is that awareness of where it comes from that makes us understand that okay, Karen, express nicely, please can you work somewhere else? I'm feeling triggered. And also reminding us that we're not ate anymore.

I'm a, you know, almost 50 year old woman and I have agency and I can leave. I can do things. I can love myself and it's part of creating that awareness.

So when we're children, children are the most ecotistic beings on earth where they make everything mean something about them. So if you are fighting with your spouses because of them, they did something. If you are not playing with them and you're working on your presentation, it's because they're boring and they're not a priority for you.

They make everything mean something about them and they create something called a negative belief, a limiting belief. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough.

I'm not pretty enough. I'm not a priority. And those are the very ingrained negative beliefs that we get that drive us today.

And so when we get triggered and anything anybody does something to remind us of that, it gets, it gets us emotional. It gets us angry and it is super important to understand these triggers, to point them out, to label them, to talk about them respectfully with our loved ones or, you know, you don't have to say this to a coworker and be yes vulnerable, but understand where it's coming from. And this is why the healing podcast is here so that you understand there's 10 or 15 different modalities that you can work on to address every single negative limiting belief that you have.

So it doesn't trigger you anymore. And I've been doing this work and there's so many things that would really upset me in the past. And I had to rely on those coping mechanisms or I yelled and screamed or I repressed it that I don't anymore because you heal.

You understand what happened to you. You understand why it happened. You feel it.

You cry it and you let it go. And you remind yourself that you're not ate anymore that you can handle this. That this is a different situation.

And understanding how to deal with our emotions is crucial. A lot of people say, I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to feel sad.

I don't want to feel depressed. I don't want to feel lonely. But feeling it is okay.

Remember, we're not ate anymore. When we were children was really hard to feel. We either were not allowed to feel.

We were told we shouldn't feel that way. We couldn't leave our parents house. We depended on them.

We had to put up with things we didn't want to put up with. Now you can. Now you can cry.

Nothing's going to happen if you cry. Nothing's going to happen if you feel sad. Feel it.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Be very that's part of mindfulness. That's part of episode 91 and 92 is it's okay to feel.

And when you allow yourself to feel, that's when you stop overeating. That's when you stop over drinking. That's when you stop over shopping because instead of numbing your emotions and having an addiction or doing pornography or whatever gets you from not feeling, you feel it.

And it passes by and with time, it feels a lot less. With time, you understand, oh, I have this feeling. It's not fun, but it's okay.

And you let it go and you let it pass and you're healthier. You're not yelling. You're not screaming.

You're not overspending. You're not over eating. It is a huge part of managing our numbing.

So coping mechanisms. This takes a lot of practice. Okay.

This is everything I've been talking about managing your thoughts and managing your emotions takes time. You are in your 40s, 50s, 60s. You have a whole life of negative reprogramming.

You have to reprogram. I have worked and I know most of my clients are going to listen to this and I know I've worked with you for two years and it's hard to remember the thought thing. I mean, I practice it.

I studied it. I teach others this. I help others understand their thoughts and I have to stop myself half the time to not go into this story.

You make about someone not saying how do you in the corner or how you're feeling. So it takes a lot of reprogramming and so this coping mechanisms are really helpful to calm yourself and snap out of this nervous system, fight flight or fun response where you want to yell or you're getting yelled at. So number one is feel your emotions go through them, feel them.

You're not young anymore. Allow them to come. You're not going to get punished for crying.

You're not going to get yelled at or shame that for crying or being upset or really understanding what's going on. What's triggering you? Why are you upset?

What values are getting violated? What are you needing in your life that you don't have attention, affection, hugs, kisses, respect, consideration, prioritization? Those are all coordinates that we all need.

Try to understand it. So feel them and understand them. Just what I said.

Go through them. What's happening in your body? What are you thinking?

Challenge every thought. Be a storybuster. Challenge your thoughts.

Well, she doesn't like me. How true is that? What evidence do you have that they don't like you or that they don't respect you?

Right? Breathe. Breathing is amazing.

You inhale four times on account to four or five. Like and you breathe in love and compassion, love and compassion for you who are getting triggered, who's getting activated, who you're being reminded of not being prioritized, of not being respected, of whatever happened to us and it happened to all of us. Even if you had a perfect childhood, some bully at school made you feel unworthy.

So love and compassion and breathe out those angry feelings. It works like magic. Okay.

Again, episode 96 healing our nervous system with somatic experiences with Dr. Kim DeRae talks a lot about how to deal with our emotions, how to let them out, how to snap a snap out of our nervous system. Totally worth it.

I have been practicing this for about 10 years. My children know that when I'm breathing and I physically start breathing in, they know I'm about to scream and they know to get out of my face. I'm like, I'm getting mad.

This is going to number four in our copy mechanism. Label it. Label say it.

Thank it. If you can say it, I say it with my children. I am getting mad.

I am feeling this respected, a triggering me that you're not listening to me. One of my triggers was that I wasn't heard. I wasn't listening to.

I would tell my mom, my brother's hitting me and she's like, too bad. Like, I wasn't heard. Then I married someone that didn't hear me.

And so when someone doesn't hear me, it activates me. That doesn't mean I'm going to scream like an idiot and say, you fucking no. I feel it.

I submit and I say it. I breathe and I'm like, I am getting triggered. You're not listening to me and I'm going to step away.

And when I come back, I want you to listen to me. It works like magic. It has allowed me to scream and yell a lot less.

And it takes mastery with time. Step number four or five journal or book a session with your coach or therapist. It works like magic.

I have a coach every week, every Wednesday morning and I write down the things I want to work on. And the things that trigger me, the things that are still triggering me and I dig deep to understand what happened. This is crucial.

Part of writing in a journal or having a session is for us to heal our emotions. We need to be witnessed. We need to be seen.

We need to be understood. You know, we need clarity working with someone is about getting curious. It's not about blaming or being faulted or being broken.

It's about being curious. What happened to me? Why do I get angry?

Why do I get mad? What is triggering me? Where is this coming from?

Or at a very high level, it's what are my thoughts? What comes to mind? Why am I reacting this way?

And what's beautiful after every session with me and you can talk to any of my clients. I have testimonials in the website or on my Instagram at Karen Millencoaching. You know who they are?

Like you arrive at your needs almost in every session. After we look at what are your thoughts? What are your triggers?

What happened? We talk about what do you need now? I need respect.

I need a race. I need consideration. I need time.

I need affection. What do you need? And we work on beautifully and lovingly communicating those needs.

And you learn to have compassion. You know, you understand your needs and you learn to have compassion for yourself and compassion for others. So that's slowly you start looking at the world like they're out there to get you.

Everybody's there to upset you. Everybody's a moron to having a lot more compassion for others. The universe is here to help you.

People want to help people like you. People want you and it slowly changes how you feel and who you are. Again, really important to feel your feelings.

Not to ignore them, not to dissociate them, not to get busy, not to overwork and stay at the office longer, not to overdrink or exercise and work out for two, three hours to deal with your anger. Feel them. Deep in them.

Understand them. Get curious. What's happening?

Allow them to happen. What happens when you have heard others? What happens if someone just sent you this episode and they want you to get better, but you spent the last five years screaming at them and they're, you know, or people at work or spouses, you know, my advice is for you to express your commitment to work with a professional to get to the root of all your thoughts and triggers and your needs and your identity, right?

Commitment to do this work. Saying not only I'm sorry, it's like I want to really work to change. I want to work to understand my traumas, understand my thoughts so that I can get better, right?

Because again, this is programming. It takes time. It takes years.

Listen to all the episodes of the Healing Podcast. There's eight episodes on EMDR, which is a modality that addresses each and every single negative believe you have so that you heal it and you don't react to them anymore. Through the work, there are, you know, you can work with me.

I would be honored. There's a lot of certified coaches out there or find a therapist that's certified in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, and trauma informed. Make sure you're seeing that trauma informed.

Ideally, third level certified EMDR, because whether you do EMDR or not, they're trauma-weir. So every time you're talking about something that happened, they know it came from somewhere and I helps you identify how it's affecting your life. There's two websites out there, Alma and head space that can help you find someone that is covered by insurance and I use them.

It's awesome and apologize profusely, right? Like it's not just words, change, behavior, focus session, work with someone. It takes time for you to understand all of your needs, all of your thoughts, all of your negative beliefs.

I would be honored to support you. And last but not least, anger requires change. Or it stays.

So part of the goal of working with someone is for you to truly understand yourself and your behaviors and what you need and to set boundaries, right? To tell people what you need, to tell people what they're doing that is disrespect when you set boundaries, express your needs. I work with people sometimes for years to get there and express it and I help them draft emails and very important.

But if people are not listening, if people are not changing and you told your good friend, you told your parents, you told your spouse, you told your boss, you told your nurses, your residents and polite expression is not helping. Then you have to change. You've got to continue to change.

How are you showing up? What are you doing? No more words.

If that doesn't work, that works magic with my husband. The minute I tell them what I need, he's on it. I love it.

But if that doesn't work, you got to change. And if you've done everything you can, especially working with someone and that doesn't change, you got to leave. Or you don't have to leave and you stay in the cycle of anger that will hurt you physically and emotionally and affect every area of your life, especially your children who are watching you living a life in anger, enjoucement, and criticism, or outburst.

Not being a good role model to them. But yeah, if you've done everything you could, you've worked on yourself, you understand who you are, your thoughts, your triggers, your needs, you've expressed them, then you've changed how you show up. And there's no change.

And they're still showing up late. They're still not giving you affection and attention and they're still not considering you and prioritizing you when treating you like you deserve. You leave, you get separated divorce, you quit your job, you leave your business.

And I have been there done that. If I can do it, you can do it. I had to leave my marriage of 17 years because words didn't work.

And they couldn't listen to it. And I left and I have never been happier. It was awful, but it gets better.

And I had to leave my business too because the same thing was happening. And after respectful expression of needs and and again, that was really difficult. But if I can do it, you can do it.

And especially with the support of someone. So I'm going to end this episode by sharing two Buddhist quotes. You will not be punished for your anger.

You will be punished by your anger and how you deal with it. Right. So again, anger is healthy.

Feel happy that you feel angry. You give a shit. You care.

You know what you need. You know what you want. That is a good thing.

It's how you deal with it. And I quote by Thicknack, I can't say it. Thicknack, non compassion is always born of understanding.

And understanding is the results of looking deeply. So looking deeply means get curious. Get curious.

Don't get furious. Get curious about what's getting you angry. So that's going to help you deal with any more healthy ways.

I hope you enjoyed this episode. I know I needed to hear this years ago. Please share it forwarded to everyone, you know, friends, family, co-workers.

I know it's going to help them. And please give me a rating. Five stars, please follow me on Instagram at Karen at the healing podcast, Karen, Milan coaching, subscribe to the podcast and help me inspire as many people as possible to heal in to achieve higher levels of satisfaction with their health, the relationships and in every area of their life.

Thank you.